AVOID THE WORDS, “I LOVE YOU, BUT”
When to say I love you
Three of the most beautiful and longed-for words in any language are “I love you.” Left alone, they can bring forth feelings of warmth and connection. However, you can virtually destroy the beauty as well as much of the positive impact of these wonderful words by doing nothing other than adding the word “but” to the end of the phrase. Doing so turns a statement of innocence and respect into a manipulative and self-serving lecture.
“I love you ..but” comes attached with a condition that makes the words “I love you” far less genuine. If you are in the habit of saying it together, you will make your partner become defensive as the brain will always capture the last part of the statement.
“I love you.. but” are oscillating at both end of the spectrum that is the expression of love and the judgement of issues. Both of these expressions are important in an honest, loving relationship, however both of them are absolutely unrelated.
It made perfect sense. When you examine the intent of the word “but” after the words “I love you,” it becomes clear that the only reason you would connect the two would be to make your gripe or complaint appear more reasonable. Rather than having the courage to simply bring up the issues that were concerning me, I was covering up by being a nice, patient, and tolerant person who really loves you. Once it is established, let me tell you how I want you to change so that you will be even more loving in my eyes.
When to say “I love you” has “hidden agenda” written all over it! “I love you” was delivered directly from one person to his partner in secondhand manner
For example, just yesterday I was talking to a woman on the phone who told me, “I really love Kurt, BUT I can’t stand it when he interrupts me.” This is a very simple idea that pays enormous dividends. Time to avoid connecting your loving praise with the things that are bothering you. When you feel love for your partner, tell her.
Likewise, when something bothers you, share that too. Just don’t do it at the same time. If you’re at all like me, you’ll soon discover that both your compliments and your concerns will be taken far more seriously.
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