Mood To Fight To Connect in Saving Marriage

DON’T FIGHT UNLESS THE MOOD IS RIGHT

Moods are really funny things. On one hand, when your mood is up
and you’re feeling good, life looks pretty dam good. Generally speaking
your relationship looks pretty good too.

You feet secure, loving, and satisfied. You tend to think about the nice aspects of your relationship—you feel secure and you keep your sense of humor. You understand that while no relationship is perfect or trouble-free, you are lucky to be with the one you love.

You see his or her strengths as charming and delightful, and the
inevitable flaws as relatively insignificant. You see even the quirks as more
evidence that your partner, like you, is a unique character, and overall
you’re lucky to have one another.

You find it easy to compromise and forgive, and you let go of the little day-to-day stuff quickly without excessive thought. You don’t feel defensive and, in fact, can usually see where you are contributing to any problems you might be having. You remember the good times and look forward to a bright future.

On the other hand, when your mood is down and you’re feeling
grumpy, agitated, and stressed, your life looks drastically different—particularly your relationships.

All of a sudden, you’re feeling dissatisfied, as if something is missing. Little annoyances seem like they must be the tip of the iceberg of something far more significant.

Rather than letting things go, you start to analyze your issues. You mostly think about the aspects of your relationship that aren’t quite right, and you lose your sense of gratitude.

In fact, you become quite picky and start to take your partner for
granted. You lose your ability to see your contribution to any communication or other problems you might be having—everything seems like it’s his fault.

Your partner’s strengths seem to disappear, and the flaws jump out at
you in dramatic fashion. Rather than being able to compromise, you
become stubborn and defensive. You remember the bad times, and your
future looks bleak!

When you step back and think about it, moods are bizarre. After all, it’s
the exact same life—and the exact same partner!

The same person—with the same history, personality, strengths, and weaknesses. The person looks the same, has the same quirks, habits, and voice. Yet, despite everything being essentially identical from one moment to the next, your mood—like an optical illusion—has the power to alter your perspective to the point of convincing you that things are different from what they really are. But whereas an optical illusion merely tricks your vision, your mood tricks your judgment, perspective, feelings of love, even your memory.

But there’s hope! Despite their apparent power, the effect of moods
on your relationship can be minimized. All that is required is a respect for
the illusion of moods along with the willingness to make certain allowances
for your moods—and your partner’s moods—when they occur. In other
words, your moods are going to continue to come and go as they always
have, but you can learn to respond to them in an entirely new way.

Rather than reacting with a familiar knee-jerk reaction—that is, becoming defensive, hostile, jealous, picky, or in some other way reactive—you can instead say to yourself, “I know I’m in a low mood and I’m not seeing things as they really are at this moment.” You take a step back and make allowances for
the fact that you’re in a negative state of mind. You distrust your reactions.

Rather than thinking, “This relationship is going nowhere,” you instead say
to yourself, “Of course I’m assuming the worst—as I often do—when I’m
feeling this way.” Or instead of thinking, “My partner is the worst listener
in the world,” you remember that you never feel listened to in a negative
state of mind.

Your awareness of the deceptive nature of low moods can eliminate a
great deal of frustration—and will most certainly keep you from blowing
many things out of proportion.

Reactivity will be replaced by compassion. When your partner snaps at you, for example, rather than taking it personally and thinking something like, “He always does that,” you’ll remember that everyone snaps or acts less than loving once in a while, especially when they are feeling badly.

An understanding of moods is not a prescription for accepting bad
behavior or for pretending things are better than they really are. Instead, it’s
a helpful tool that keeps you from sweating the small stuff and for keeping
your perspective.

Everyone, including you, will say and do things in a low mood that would never even occur to them in a higher mood. Keep in mind that if you are in a bad mood and you’re upset about something, that something—whatever it is—will still be there when your mood rises. Therefore, if you let it go and make the decision to take it less seriously—at least for now—you will become far more immune to the negative effects of your (or your partner’s) moods. The key is to wait, to understand that your perspective is being influenced by your mood. Instead of analyzing your life in these moments, be grateful. Soon, you’ll be feeling better again.

When you’re feeling good again, more secure and loving—when your
mood is right—feel free to discuss your issues, share your dissatisfactions, and think about your problems. You’ll find that in most cases, whatever was
bothering you has probably disappeared or at least seems far less significant.
And in those cases where you’re still feeling bothered, you’ll have far more
wisdom and common sense available to you. So, go ahead and fight—but
wait until the mood is right.

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Learn to Reconnect
Saving marriage isn’t all about solving problems, it also involves reigniting the passion and love you had for each other in the past. You can try to fan the flames of love by surprising your partner with special surprises or dates.

Think of the most romantic times you had together and recreate them with while adding a unique approach. The goal is to grab their attention and simplifying your relationship down to natural attraction. If you can heat up the passion then the other problems will quickly be overlooked.

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